By Ron Yolles, JD, CFA
Co-Founder & Chief Visionary Officer
“It isn’t really about the money,” I often tell couples in my office. The tension you’re experiencing about financial decisions isn’t about dollars and cents. It’s about being heard, valued, and secure in your relationship.
Where Money Beliefs Really Come From
Relationships with money begin long before we meet a spouse. Watching your parents manage finances, experiencing abundance or scarcity, and learning early money lessons all create what we call your “money story.”
We see situations like this a lot. Like with “Tom” and “Linda,” married 30 years, who couldn’t see eye-to-eye about their retirement investments.
Linda kept showing us market projections, convinced they needed more aggressive growth. Tom would quietly mention his parents’ struggle after losing their retirement savings during the market crash of 2008.
What was clear to us was they weren’t disagreeing about portfolio allocations. They were speaking from entirely different emotional places.
That’s exactly what we focus on at Diversified Portfolios. We’ve found that couples who can talk openly about finances often make better decisions together, for their investments and their relationship.
What Works When Couples Talk About Money
The first thing we do differently is have both spouses in the room together. No separate meetings, no leaving anyone out. Then we make space for real conversation. For both of you. You’d be amazed how rarely both partners truly feel heard when talking about money.
When couples first come to us, they’re often tense, thinking they’re the only ones struggling with these conversations. That’s when I share something personal: my wife Laura and I have faced these same money conversations ourselves.
Do you know what? Even though she’s a high-level engineering executive with her MBA in finance and I do this for a living, we still have to work at talking about money! The minute that I tell clients my personal money story, I can then see them physically relax. Suddenly they know they’re not alone.
Once everyone’s comfortable, we can get to work:
- Evaluating your plan in different scenarios: We show you how your finances would hold up through market fluctuations, unexpected expenses, inflation, or changes in your retirement timeline. We do a financial stress test.
- Putting it on paper: We write up what we talked about and always mark it “draft” so you know we can change anything that doesn’t feel right to either of you.
- Setting clear milestones: We establish a schedule of check-ins throughout the year to keep you on track and adjust as needed.
From Money Tension to Financial Teamwork
What I’ve seen repeatedly is that money disagreements usually reveal what each of you truly values. When we shift focus from the dollars to those deeper values, couples start seeing each other’s side. It’s like watching a light bulb turn on in the room: suddenly there’s clarity where there was confusion before.
These breakthroughs don’t just improve your finances. They strengthen your partnership. When you can talk about money without tension, you’ve built something valuable that extends far beyond your portfolio.
Disclaimer: Tom and Linda are fictional composite characters created to represent common situations we have encountered with multiple clients over the years. Any resemblance to actual clients is purely coincidental. This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute investment advice or a recommendation to buy or sell any security.
